How to Deal With Gaslighting in a Relationship: A Guide for Indian Couples

How to Deal With Gaslighting in a Relationship

The term "Gaslighting" was the Merriam-Webster Word of the Year in 2022, and it remains one of the most highly searched relationship psychology terms in India in 2024.

While the word is often casually misused to describe someone casually lying or being stubborn, actual gaslighting is a highly systematic, intensely destructive form of completely intentional emotional abuse.

A gaslighter's primary goal is to gain power over you by making you question your own memory, perception, and sanity. Here is how to identify if you are being gaslighted in your marriage, and the exact psychological steps you must take to protect yourself.

Common Examples of Gaslighting in Indian Marriages

Gaslighting often thrives in traditional Indian households because of hierarchical power structures (like age, gender, or financial earning power) which abusers hide behind.

Watch for these 4 distinct gaslighting tactics:

1. The Direct Counter

They blatantly deny a conversation or event ever happened, even when you have proof. Example: You remind your husband he promised to visit your parents this weekend. He replies, "I never said that. You are completely imagining things. Why do you always make up lies in your head?"

2. Trivializing (The "Overreacting" Defense)

They invalidate your emotional response to their objectively terrible behavior. Example: Your wife flirts aggressively with a family friend in front of you. When you bring it up in the car, she laughs and says, "You are so insecure and paranoid. It was a joke. Why are you always overreacting?"

3. Shifting the Blame

They behave terribly, but somehow spin the narrative so that their bad behavior is entirely your fault. Example: They scream at you for an hour. When you start crying, they say, "Well, if you weren't constantly nagging me when I got home from work, I wouldn't have to yell at you. Look what you made me do."

4. Withholding

They refuse to listen or pretend they can't understand you, just to frustrate you into giving up. Example: "I'm not having this conversation. You’re just trying to confuse me again with your ridiculous logic."

The Psychological Damage of Gaslighting

Over the course of five or ten years, being systematically gaslighted causes massive, complex trauma.

You begin suffering from "Decision Fatigue." Because you no longer trust your own capacity to perceive reality correctly, you become incapable of making simple decisions (like what to order for dinner or what to wear) without seeking your abuser's approval. You constantly apologize for things you did not do. You become a shell of your former vibrant self.

4 Steps to Deal With a Gaslighter

You cannot "argue" your way out of gaslighting, because facts do not matter to a gaslighter—only power matters. You must use defensive strategies.

Step 1: Stop Arguing the Facts

When they say, "I never said that," do not spend 45 minutes passionately trying to prove they did to force them to admit it. They will never admit it. Drop the rope. Say, "We remember the conversation differently. I know my truth," and physically walk away. You take away all their power when you refuse to debate your own reality.

Step 2: Keep Secret Receipts

Because gaslighting erodes your memory over time, you must keep an external record. Keep a digital journal (password protected) on your phone. Write down the dates, times, and exact quotes of major arguments. When you feel "crazy" a week later, re-read your notes to ground yourself back in reality.

Step 3: Build an "External Anchor"

Gaslighters systematically isolate you from your friends and family so that they become your only source of truth. Break the isolation. Confide in one highly trusted friend. Tell them exactly what is happening. Use them to reality-check scenarios. "Hey, am I crazy for being upset that he did X?"

Step 4: Seek Professional Coaching

If you are deeply entangled with a chronic gaslighter, couples counseling is incredibly dangerous. The gaslighter will often charm the therapist and spin the narrative to make you look like the unstable, hysterical partner.

You need Individual Relationship Coaching. A coach acts as an objective third party whose only job is to validate your reality, rebuild your shattered self-esteem, and help you formulate a safe exit plan if the emotional abuse does not stop.

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Are you constantly questioning your own sanity in your relationship? Regain your power. Reach out to Paaji Connect for confidential, 1-on-1 trauma coaching today.

Frequently asked questions

What are examples of gaslighting in a marriage?+

Denying a conversation happened that you clearly remember. Insisting you agreed to something you did not. Telling you that you are too sensitive whenever you raise anything. Recruiting family to confirm that you are imagining things. Rewriting the cause of an argument so it began with your reaction rather than their action. The common thread is that your perception is treated as the problem.

How do I know if I am being gaslit or just remembering things differently?+

Ordinary memory differences are two-directional and both people concede sometimes. Gaslighting is one-directional and always resolves with you being wrong, and it is accompanied by a growing sense that you cannot trust yourself. If you have started recording conversations or re-reading messages to verify your own recollection, that is a strong indicator.

How should I respond when someone denies what they said?+

State your position once and decline the debate: "That is not how I remember it, and I am not going to argue about it." Do not try to prove the point — the argument is the mechanism. Keep your own private record for your own clarity, not to present as evidence, which almost always escalates rather than resolves.

Is gaslighting always deliberate?+

No. Some people rewrite events genuinely, out of defensiveness or an inability to tolerate being wrong. That distinction matters for whether the relationship can change, but not for the harm — sustained exposure damages your confidence in your own judgement either way. Intent affects the prognosis, not the injury.

Can a relationship recover from gaslighting?+

Only if the person doing it recognises the pattern and works on it, usually with professional help, and only if you have not lost too much of your own certainty in the meantime. The first useful step is often individual therapy for you — not couples work — to rebuild trust in your own perception before you attempt to renegotiate the relationship.